It's been a while....

Well, it's been a while since I updated this blog - lots going on in my life with no real time to post an update. This one is long-overdue but I'll do my best to fill you in. (as if anyone out there beyond my friends and family CARES, but hey, maybe it will encourage another mid-life changer to keep up the good fight...)

In January I ran a study (of my own design) involving an experimental drug treatment after a chronic mild stress paradigm.  I managed to get sucrose preference test results which no one else in our lab has managed to achieve. This may be due to the fact that I used Balb/c mice and not the cheaper and more stress-resilient CD1s that everyone was using before. Never-the-less, I still have to analyze the remaining behaviour data and run Westerns on the tissue samples which are currently sitting in the -80C freezer. (Despite the preliminary positive results, I sometimes think the only ones stressed at the end of these studies are the researchers and students working on them.)

This spring I completed my undergraduate BSc. Honours in Neuroscience with a rockin' GPA (Carleton has a weird GPA system, but it's equivalent to something like 3.95 on the 4.0 scale). I also won first prize in Neuroscience for my poster presentation at Undergraduate Research Day.  Honestly, nobody was more shocked than me about THAT prize - my poster was about a drug screen and was so boring I added a picture of a mouse in the FST to jazz it up.   But I guess it all came down to the presentation part - I KNOW my subject area in great detail and that impressed the judges.

In June, I graduated with "High Distinction".  My 74-year-old mother and my stepfather attended my graduation.  It was very sweet of her to fly all this way to see me graduate. In addition to my parents and Bri, my friend and co-counsellor Ian (whom I affectionately refer to as my "academic sponsor" - i.e., "don't let me quit!") was also there and cheering me on. Bri apparently "cried like a baby" during the ceremony.  (Love that guy to death. At moments like that, I forgive him his penchant for TV shows like "Glee" and collectible plates with kittens on them...).

I realized, as I was there, lining up to cross the stage, that I had not walked across a graduation stage in 30 years, the last being my high school graduation. Kind of ironic that I graduate from university THIRTY YEARS after high school. (I never went to my college graduation - I had  move 250 miles away and was busy trying to start a career).  Thus, I have my first undergraduate degree at 52.  (It took a while,  but I got there. Late bloomer, anyone?)

Ironically, I had this entertaining conversation earlier this year with the oldest professor in my dept, (and frankly, the ONLY professor in my dept. who is older than ME).  He is well known and respected in the fields of stress and depression research and his lectures are filled with entertaining anecdotes about characters like Nick Spanos (famous for his studies debunking alien abductions and multiple personality disorders), and his own experiences with aging, memory and anxiety.

I stopped by his office to ask a question on designing a protocol. After he answered my question he said, "Can I ask you a personal question?".
"Sure", I answered.
"How old are you?"
Amused, I replied, "Fifty-two."
He then asked, "Why are you here?", to which I candidly responded,
"I was in IT for 30 years, I had a successful career, but it just wasn't exciting me any more. I didn't feel enthused about getting up and going to work every day.  I had always thought I would go back and get a degree, but I never really had anything that grabbed me enough to make me leave, and then I read this book about neuroplasticity, and that was IT. I realized THAT was what I wanted to do. I wanted to study and understand the brain. Carleton then opened up an undergraduate program in neuroscience, so I figured this was a sign, and took a correspondence course in chemistry so I could get in."
He then asked, "So what do you want to do after this?"
I told him, "I want to go on to get my Phd. and hopefully do research.  If that doesn't happen, I have other options, but that's my first goal."
And then he said something I found quite amusing and not at all insulting, he said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you are not the typical mature student."
"What do you mean?"
"Most of them are here for the wrong reasons."
I can't remember the words he said exactly, but he did indicate that I was doing exceptionally well for a mature student and far exceeded expectations. I thanked him for the somewhat awkwardly worded compliment. It really meant a lot coming from him.

He was most concerned about what I'd do AFTER I graduated from my Ph.D., "Do you HAVE to work?", he asked.
"Yes. I am on the 'Freedom '95 program.  I am bleeding away my RRSPs to be here, but there isn't enough there to retire on."
"Do you have any children? I'm always worried about leaving something for my children."
I laughed. "Yes, I have two sons, aged 27 and 29, and I've told them I am dying poor, and with any luck I'll kick it from a massive coronary at some later stage so they won't have to look after me and change my Depends."

Canada unfortunately does not have a lot of research positions outside of academia, so he was terribly concerned that my age would exclude me from opportunities at universities, but not for the reasons you might think.  Apparently, at Canadian universities, your salary (dictated by union contracts in each province) is determined by the number of years since your FIRST degree (i.e. your BSc.), thus, if I theoretically graduate with my Ph.D. at age 57, and I had received my first BSc when I was 22, I would command a MUCH higher salary than a younger and more recent graduate with the same experience and only 6 years between their BSc. and their Ph.D. - thus, I would be less desirable to a potential university.

I explained that this was going to be my FIRST Bachelor's degree of any kind, that my only other credential was a 2-year diploma from a technical college, and he heaved a sigh of relief.

I also explained that I have a ton of experience in IT and project management, technology, programming, leadership, and a host of other skills that your typical graduate student does not have, and thus, I'm not worried about the job prospects.  One way or another, I'll figure it out and survive. As much as I'd love to go on to do research, my dream job is to start or work for an Ethical Pharmaceutical company (no, that is NOT an oxymoron) where we pursue clinical trials and reasonably-priced delivery of drugs from open patents that would benefit the greater public good (such as from the Salk Institute), and which no other pharma will touch because of the lack of patent protection.

In any case, it was very sweet that he was concerned about me and that he gave me a strangely-worded compliment about my progress to date.

And on that note, was accepted into the Master's program at Carleton with funding, so that helps to lessen the pinch on the RRSP front, especially given the way the economy is going and the looming "R" word. I also won two other grant awards (one of which I declined (by accident - a subject for ANOTHER blog entry), but you can only hold one, so it's all ok in the end). Despite the funding, I'm still technically below the poverty line, but Bri says instead of being merely poor, I'll be the working poor because part of my funding is through TA-ships.

On the research front, I have one study complete (tissue on ice, with both behaviour data and tissue ready for me to analyze), another on which I am co-author recently completed, and another co-author study about to start, for which I have designed the stress protocol schedule.  We have a new professor who is great (she and my advisor are collaborating and having periodic joint lab meetings - it's fantastic), and she has a couple of transgenic mouse lines she brought with her, so I'm going to be using one of the lines on my next study in the fall.  By Christmas, I hope to have 4 studies under my belt, and tissue analysis well under way, positioning me for application to fast track to my Ph.D. in the spring.

I'm still passionately interested in the mechanisms of neuroplasticity that underlie depression and antidepressant responses, but there is a ton of really interesting work going on in other areas as well, so I'm open to new and interesting avenues of research.

Yes, there are definitely tedious parts to research, but the lab is bustling, and I'm still loving it, and that's what counts!

Suckered

We were laughing about the jokes played on unsuspecting new (and not so new) members of the lab, like when Kyle convinced Tetyana to put ice packs under her arms because he "needed them melted". He only let her do that for a couple of minutes before he confessed the joke. I scolded her because she's been in the lab for 3 years and should know better. And Kyle said, "Yeah, but my best one is the one where I said, Hey, do this stereology for months (counting cells) and I PROMISE we'll get published and you'll get your name on a paper."

Damn. Fell for it.

I suck at tests

My son laughs at me when I complain about getting 80 on something.  "OH. MY.GOD. You got an A-.!"

To be straight, I'm beating myself up about getting 80 on a genetics midterm, when my current GPA is about 3.96.

But in reality, it COUNTS.  NSERC looks at your grades (I've failed to get NSERC for the summer 2 years in a row because the cutoff is 3.98). Grad schools look at your grades. Unfortunately, a very small percentage of your final mark is based on assignments, (which I typically rock at).  My physics lab partner and I were trying to explain this to another student in our class who was teasing us about striving for A+  on our reports.  My TA loves me because I actually RESEARCHED why our spectral lines for helium were systematically off in the latest report. (I determined that our diffraction grating was probably not perpendicular to the incoming light from the collimator by approximately 0.3 degrees, WITH REFERENCES and DIAGRAMS to show how the change in angle could effectively reduce the collimator "d" value.. she says NOBODY does that kind of work in "Physics for Dummies" - the version of physics for non-physics majors.).

Right now, I am pulling a steady "80" in genetics exams, even though I'm pulling 95-96 on assignments and explaining to my classmates how to calculate recombination frequencies and ensure that they've got the genes in the right order. I'm DOWN with tetrad analysis. And I feel like I really GET it.  But multiple-choice take me out.  All it takes is 3 or 4 wrong answers, and I'm out of the A+ range, but I typically score highly in the short and long-answer questions.  Ironically, it doesn't seem to matter if there are 50 M/C or 30 M/C, I seem to always get 2-4 wrong.  (I wish they'd either make them worth less, or put more in)

The grand irony, is that I'm rocking physics.  I got 100% on my last lab, and I have nothing less than a 94% in labs.   I'm hovering around an 89% in the lecture portion.  

Until recently, any course involving a lot of math killed me because my skills were so rusty. But now I really feel like my math skills have improved significantly.  Today, in the final physics lab, a student came up to me and said, "The TA told us to come talk to you, if you are willing, to explain what we might put in our discussion about why the thermocouple results for temperature based on our calibration are inconsistent with the standard calibration curve."   I smiled. We were done well ahead of everyone else. I had time.  I tried not to give him everything, so I asked questions.... "How many measurements did you take during the calibration?  What was the range of temperature?  Can a linear curve approximate a quadratic curve? (He said, "No") I said,  "Yes, it can, but only for small ranges of the curve. Think about it. Right?  What was the temperature of the CO2 slurry?  Was it within the range of your calibration?  What substance temperatures could you have measured that would have given you CONSISTENT results?".  I could tell when the light bulb came on....

He finally GOT it.  I GET it - when it comes to doing real experiments and real work.  

In fact, on the pre-lab quiz for Ray Optics, I solved a question that none of my classmate friends could. (Of COURSE I shared the solution, with Brian chiding me... "You are RAISING the class average.  You shouldn't DO that." But I can't help it. It's the "hippie" in me (as Kyle calls it) that makes me think that karmically it's better for all to SHARE knowledge than to horde it.)

  

What bugs me about physics and chem, is that it's the math that took me down initially, and yet, in highschool, mathematics was my BEST subject.  Even 10 years later when I went back and took calculus, I still got the best mark in the class, beating out 18-yr-olds who HAD calculus in high school the year before (I only took honour's Algebra in HS).   But when you count on computers to do it for you for 30 years, you lose the mental skill and agility for mathematics and especially algebra. It's taken me 2 years of work to get it back to something reasonable.  I can now look at an equation, know how to invert it and move the unknown to one side to solve, without actually writing anything down. I know, it's really basic, but I see that as a major accomplishment.   I can even solve for an unknown in a fractional exponential of "e".  Even my TRIG is coming back now. 

Of course the big thing in biology labs (and neuroscience) is dilutions.  You have a 10% solution. You need 30 mL of  a solution containing  0.2% of the substance.  How much do you put in of the dilutant vs the original solution? Or, you have an antibody solution that is pure (1g/ul). You need 100ul of an 800,000:1 dilution. The smallest pipette only goes to 1ul.  What serial dilutions are required to produce the correct 100ul solution minimizing the use of the (very expensive) antibody?

Ironically, I have ALWAYS understood the theory in all my science classes very well.   Just before the chemistry final last year, I was explaining crystal field splitting theory and electron orbitals to people who DIDN'T GET IT until that very moment that I explained it in terms they could understand (RIGHT BEFORE THE FINAL).  I'm SURE they did better on the exam than I did. Why? Because I SUCK at memorizing equations. That''s why I do SO much better at physics - they give us an EQ sheet. And let's face it - that's SO much more "real world'. On WHAT planet would you do IMPORTANT complex calculations, pulling equations FROM MEMORY for real world applications and have NO TIME to check your answers?  None. Unless some kind of EMP bomb has gone off and all the computers are dead (or SKYNET has taken over the world networks), OR, you are up in a space shuttle and all 7 backup computer systems died. (Given that the shuttle program is dead, I have no risk of becoming a shuttle astronaut, so I think it's safe to assume that if I need an algorithm, I can find it on a computer or network at some point). 

Like chemistry, before the genetics midterm, I was explaining simple techniques to ensure that you had the gene order right in a series of 3 linked genes (I have a simple technique that ensures you have placed the genes in the right order before you start calculating recombination frequencies.), and how to do Tetrad analyisis.   Yet people I know who have LESS real understanding than I do, did better on the exam. (even someone who had the genes OUT OF ORDER did better)  *sigh*.

Like I said, I SUCK at traditional exams. (I don't always get over 90, and only ONCE have gotten 100%)) But am not humble in admitting I rock at researching, solving problems and proposing interesting alternatives for potential solutions. I hope that's what counts when it comes to getting into graduate school.  Because where I excel is at solving problems where there ISN'T a pat answer or known solution, or a memorized "right answer".  I rock at problem solving  because I am tenacious at researching everything that I can find about the problem, and even branching out to things that may not SEEM to be immediately related, but ultimately may be. I also have this huge body of experience that sometimes results in seemingly intuitive leaps of logic.  (It's not intuition - it's my subconscious putting all the disparate pieces together).  In the software world, when presented with a particularly tough problem, I would often say, "I need to go and cogitate on that for a while."  I had one really good boss, who GOT it, and said, "I know. It means that you will go away, NOT really directly think about it, but let it percolate, and you will come back with a solution in a few days, regardless."  Yep. That's about it.   

I also hold strongly to the tenet that if you absolutely, and completely believe that you are RIGHT, your mind is NOT OPEN to the possibilities that there might be other answers, and that can lead to missing really important insights.

Sadly, no courses I have taken thus far, test those kinds of skills.

Frustrations...

I'm exploring fellowship, scholarship, and grant options for grad school, and it's very frustrating that so many have the word "young" in them as a qualifier... (generally means under 30, and sometimes under 25)....

Words of encouragement

I was told by a well-meaning grad student last night that I have enough in the pipeline now, as an undergraduate entering my 4th year, for a "shitty-to-average" Ph.D. project/thesis".  :-|

He really was well-meaning.... What he meant was, I already have enough project ideas and areas I want to explore to carry me through a Ph.D., so presumably by the time I finish my undergraduate degree, and I am 1 year into my master's, I'll be in a much better position to design a more comprehensive and thorough set of Ph.D. projects.  In essence, he was trying to tell me that I'm ahead of most of my peers right now.

Despite his odd way of expressing encouragement, he was very helpful in explaining the options for completing a Ph.D., and in particular, fast-tracking.  What he really meant was, for an undergraduate entering her 4th year, I was well ahead of the game.

The problem is, I don't know what I don't know - despite all my reading, there are likely many techniques and protocols that I'm not aware of that could further my research goals, and what we have at Carleton is decidedly limited.  Some of the lab techniques for exploring sub-cellular mechanisms that I know about now, and I'd like to do, aren't an option here...

"We child-proofed the house 3 years ago... but they keep getting back in..."

This spring, my oldest graduated from an honours program in geology.  It took him a few years, off and on, and a couple of false-starts, to finally settle on an education and career path that sparked his interest.   He completed the last 3 years of his schooling while living with me and my partner during the school year.  For the last 2 years we have attended the same university.  Sometimes he'd even acknowledge that he knew me. :-)  At one point, I told him that if he didn't get his ass in gear, I'd graduate before him (which I think mildly panicked him, considering I'm only 1 year behind).  Last year, we were both on the Dean of Science's honours list.  I think that's pretty cool: mom and son both make the Dean's List...  He also landed an unexpected job working for one of his professors, "Hey!  I got a job today."
"Really? I didn't know you had applied to anything."
"I didn't.  A professor saw my presentation and sent me an email offering me part-time work."

He lived here rent free, but paid his dues by cooking many meals, and he is an EXCELLENT/gourmet chef.
In fact, I jokingly asked if he would consider doing a master's degree just so we could continue to partake of his wonderful meals while I finished school (my sweetie thinks breakfast cereal or kraft dinner is an acceptable substitute for dinner when I'm not home).  But alas, despite the fact that he is one of the few students on the planet who graduated with money in the bank (thank-you Canadian-Rite-of-Passage, aka Tree Planting), my son had other plans, like a life, and an a job that earns a decent income, and living in Canada's mecca: Vancouver. And his girlfriend wanted to further HER career as well.

And then, two nights ago, after midnight, I get a text message from him, "you awake?".  I called him and found out that he received an email from his former professor, offering him a fully funded master's position.
Like the job, he didn't apply for this. The professor was just so impressed with him, he wanted to offer it to my son.   Now he has a tough decision to make. The exploration market for gold is in the toilet due to the low prices for gold, so his friends in the industry are telling him it's a great time to do a masters, PLUS the project would give him valuable skills in other exploration markets.  He's still trying to sort things out, because his girlfriend had planned to go back to school and do a law degree at UBC. Him coming back to Ontario to do a master's degree would throw a real kink in those plans.  Life is loaded with difficult decisions and compromises and I don't envy them theirs.

Of course, he's welcome back here if he chooses to do his master's, and I won't charge either rent if they are both on the school track.   Help out with food and do some cooking and cleaning, and I'm a happy camper. He's just damned lucky I didn't rent out his room... (I was THIS close....)

There goes the summer...

I had a bit of a break during May and June - just volunteer lab work and plus training and finishing up some EEGLab programming, but now that July is here, I can feel the summer slipping away from me.

In July, I started 2 half-summer courses (which means they are crammed into two months) with 3 evening classes that run 6:30-9:30pm (physics) and two 3-hour daytime classes on two of those days (genetics). The physics is the 2nd half of 1st year physics (Electrical fields and forces), and it's been a slow start because it's been 2 years since I took the first half of the course. I've forgotten a bunch of basics, like the formula for gravitational force between two objects and vector math... It's all coming back, but SLOWLY.  And of course, I HAVE to do every one of the prof's examples myself to make sure I understand, and of course SOME do NOT give me the same answers he got.  I hate that.  Then I don't know if it's my lack of understanding of a concept, or his bad math (It's his bad math, btw). And so, it's been slow going...

I managed to get out to the cottage a couple of times in May and June, and I caught some very nice fish (including a lovely 4.4lb Large Mouth Bass that I returned to the river for someone else to catch), so I feel like I got a bit of relaxation in. But I haven't been up there for 2 weeks now, and today I woke up at 5am and couldn't get back to sleep. All I could think about was the fact that I have a physics assignment and a physics lab to complete before Wednesday, and I have a genetics midterm on Thursday, after which I have to complete the online pre-lab quiz for the physics lab that night.  Oh, and minor surgery on Wednesday morning to remove a cyst on my neck that is threatening to become a second head...

Ok, it's not quite THAT bad, but still...  it feels like that.  (but then, I also felt like an alien was going to chew its way out of my stomach when I was pregnant, so I may be a bit over-dramatic when it comes to things like this).

In addition, I've foolishly scheduled to redo my animal handling training Wednesday afternoon, PLUS sit with a grad student to learn how to score the Forced Swim Test via videos she has taken.  And then I have physics.  

And somewhere in the next couple of months, I have to time to read a ton of papers that I have bookmarked and identified as relevant to my project.  In fact, there was a new study just published on the role of astrocytes in synapse formation that I think may be relevant, and I'm trying to determine if I can leverage those results. One of my greatest strengths is synthesizing information from disparate sources.  But it takes time to read, and assimilate and follow the information trail...  and then the threads need time (and space) to settle into ideas.  Right now my brain is crammed with course learning, and while it is foundational, I don't find it conducive to creative thought. 

I just keep reminding myself that all of this is in order to be able to graduate in spring of 2015 so that I can start graduate school next fall and start the REALLY interesting stuff.  And in the end, I have to say, as much as I loathe the testing, I still love the learning. Even physics.  :-)